There has been a lot of debate, rumors, discussions and even some accusations recently surrounding certain events.
I’m not going to go into any great detail, either you believe what has been said or you don’t. I know what I believe.
It has taken me a while to come to terms with most of it, and I’m still struggling with a lot of it. I owe an awful lot to one person over this. You know exactly who you are, thank you for everything <3
It is difficult to believe it has only been three short weeks since some revelations were made. For my part in it all, that’s been carefully hidden from most with the exception of those I would classify as my closest friends. Believe me when I say this is probably one of the most difficult posts I’m ever going to write, hopefully it will be my last difficult post. I am not posting this to look for sympathy or pity.
If you are not aware of all the details, then please don’t make assumptions get in touch and I’ll fill you in as best I can. On with the story.
There was an individual in the community that caught my attention. This person was outspoken, had a few traits I admired. It was odd, I felt drawn to this person. There were some eccentricities about this person, but that only drew me further in.
It was, a refreshing experience to talk about completely random things with this person, with absolutely zero sense of judgement. I could be completely insane, quiet, irreverent, serious, joking, whatever I wanted to be. It was incredibly freeing. Up until then I had always been cautious about what I said in public. I am still cautious, most of the time and some discussions I simply won’t take part in, even if they do apply to me.
Now I’m wondering exactly what to share at this point as the next part of this post may confuse some folks. To state it plainly, I am incredibly loyal and protective to those I call friend. Yes, I think that will do, for the moment at any rate.
This individual disappeared from social media for a few days, so naturally as I friend I grew concerned about the absence of this person. Being the sort of person I am, I fired a message over. The generic “you OK” type message, harmless stuff. I thought of this person as a friend, at the time I had no idea how this person thought of me, needless to say I was a little surprised to receive a response which kick started a lengthy discussion over the following days.
That conversation covered a variety of topics, recent events mostly. The more messages that were exchanged, the more things changed.
No point beating about the bush at this point, during the subsequent conversation how I personally felt about this person changed. Significantly. That kind of rapid change was surprising, and led to some interesting conversations with this person. With 20/20 hindsight, I perhaps should have stopped right there and then. Sadly I didn’t, I had no idea what was in store for me. My usual cynical self decided to take a break. Guess that’s a pretty lame-ass excuse, but either way I got suckered.
Shortly after these discussions began, another close friend reached out to me. I’m not going to go into details of that discussion here at all, as everything said between this close friend and myself is entirely private and about as privileged information as can be. Certain other close friends know, because I trust them enough to tell them.
I became confused and didn’t really know what to think, or feel and to a certain extent, I still don’t. Here was one person, sharing a lot of very personal information with me, and another close friend sharing something else. I became easily distracted, almost irritable and I’m pretty sure my entire attitude on social media changed. Part of me didn’t want to believe what I was being told by my close friend, but I’ve always been open to having my mind changed through discussion so I listened carefully, weighing everything I was being told from both people.
Given enough information to be cautious, I became a little suspicious myself. Not openly, and not with the person I was talking to. But I definitely became more guarded. Questions were asked, and the answers were elusive and vague to the point of being no answer.
In hindsight, all the warning signs were there but I didn’t question anything. You could easily say it was all my fault for being caught up, and do you know what? Maybe it was my fault, or maybe I was just another target. Something tells me that the answer to that, and many other question will never get answered.
As more and more pieces of this puzzle clicked into place I ran through a whole host of emotional responses. Anger, sorrow, little bit of grief, a touch of despair, maybe a dash of guilt. It’s hard to pin down exactly the range of emotions I experienced.
Some of you may wonder why I’m posting this, and I’ll tell you.
One reason is that I trusted a person, I developed true and very real feelings for this person to later discover that the person I believed I was talking to didn’t actually exist and that everything I had been told could never be attributed to this person.
There is quite a strong word for that.
This person consistently lied to me, and was more than willing to string me along for as long they thought possible. This person showed zero remorse about consistently lying to me, or providing me with images of someone that this person wasn’t. What the ‘endgame’ was, I’ll never and to be blunt I don’t want to know.
The really odd thing, I did kind of feel sorry for this person once certain things became known. I wasn’t the only one, but things again changed and not for the better. This person posted more information, the reasoning behind it I simply cannot fathom. At this point, I just wanted this person to come clean. Maybe make some kind of effort to apologise for the deception. I don’t know, just something.
Instead the public facade continued to lie, twist half truths. I deliberately stayed out of any conversations remotely associated with the whole thing. I’d gotten too close too quickly and gotten hurt in the process.
Yet it still rumbles on, in yet another guise. On some level, this person must know the effect it has on others but just doesn’t seem to care. Well, that’s fine by me. I’m done with the whole debacle. It hasn’t exactly been fun, but it has been a sobering experience.
Learn. Adapt. Overcome.